I awoke today like all these other days - exhausted beyond measure, sore and in pain, feeling like total sh!t, etc. I still had my hopes up that MAYBE I finally lost a little weight, though. I dragged myself to the scale after going to the bathroom and urinated for like the 1000th time during the past 24 hours. I got on the scale, and it read that I GAINED 1 lb.
That's right, folks. I f'in GAINED.
This is day six of an incredibly strict juice fast (making sure I don't drink "too much" juice and rotating fruits and veggies around), and the total loss is 1.8 lbs. Wow. WOW. Wow. Really? I mean, REALLY?!?!?! WTF?! All this torture...all this pain...all this anguish...all these emotional mood swings and total, utter feelings of despair and hunger.
All for a f'in 1.8 lbs. That's a two week weight loss of 2.8 lbs. All raw. No joke. I'm practically killing myself to lose weight and be "healthy", and this is the thanks I get. I mean, it doesn't get much more radical (short of a water fast) than a juice fast. And I can barely lose anything on that. My metabolism must be nil. As in, shut down completely.
I did the only reasonable thing I could do after I got that reading: I had an utter meltdown. Totally went postal. Uncontrollable feelings of frustration and that PURE ABSOLUTE RAGE engulfed me. Banged my fist into the kitchen countertop as hard as I could, over and over, like a deranged child - and promptly injured my wrist. (It's nice and swollen and it even hurts like f'in HELL to type this.) I fell to the floor sobbing in anguish and disgust. Screaming and wailing, even. My poor 4 year old ran to his room and hid. It was just horrid. I couldn't even begin to control myself. My husband had to march me into the bedroom, escort me to bed, and here I am.
And I've been crying and sobbing ever since. I can't stop. I can even stand without trembling in weakness and feeling such AGONY. He made me some apple juice with ginger, and I could barely taste it because of the horrible coating in my mouth (tastes faintly like metal, but my tongue is mostly numb on the tastebuds).
Fuck this. I mean, seriously. I am barely functional...can't focus...moody as hell...feeling violent...starving myself...and it does next to NOTHING. Then, when I sleep, I have these HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE emotional nightmares all night. I wake up to pee a million times, too. I don't have the strength to exercise or even walk. I don't have the energy to be able to pick up my 8 month old. I can't do anything. We were supposed to go to an arts festival, but that was totally blown out of the water. No way will I be able to go like this. I'm too exhausted to even take a shower and get ready (much less the crazy emotional roller coaster I'm on).
Hubs has been great through this - and thank god (or whatever force) he is here, because I honestly don't know what I would have done or broke in this state I am in. Actually, quite simply, I would have to promptly and totally get off of this fast. My body can't handle it, and I can't put all of my entire life on hold because this is turning me into a manical, dysfunctional lunatic.
Just as a side note, I am NOT a depressed-type individual. I am NOT a violent-type person. (I'm actually the opposite - I do whatever I can to avoid conflict and try to placate everyone.) Why all this aggression is coming out, I can't even begin to fathom...but it is NOT good. I made up my mind that I can NOT keep doing this if this continues another second.
If I had all thes symptoms, yet the weight was still coming off, I'd at least be able to look at the "bright side". In my sitch on this diet, however, I simply don't see ANY bright side to this, and each day just continues to get worse and worse again.
Oh yeah...and hubs went and hid the scale, which is just as well. Fuck that rat bastard (the scale, I mean), and this diet, too.
Hubs did a little research, and he thinks I probably need to take some supplements ad potentially eat a little food here and there. (I definitely can't take any supplements with juice fasting - I'll puke them all up very promptly on juice alone.) The supplements I will be using will be mostly part of the Colonix program (we had some leftover from last year), minus the Paranil stuff (we ran out of it a while back).
I'm not sure if it's normal, but I haven't had any bowel movements in several days. Part of the Colonix program has a bunch of fiber supplementation to take, so I'm going to take that twice a day, in case there's something toxic totally stuck in my gut and I just keep going on this viscious cycle of endless detox with no end or improvement in sight. I read that if the toxins don't pass out, they just keep getting reabsorbed into the system. We have a sneaking suspicious that this is what is happening to me.
Hubs was looking into the enema stuff, but I am really freaking out about doing that from home. So, for now, I'm doing the fiber (which includes psyllium husks), Detoxigreens, and the Toxinout. This will also provide some extra vitamins for me - and hopefully more energy (and PLEASE tell me BETTER MOOD, too). I can't possibly feel any worse than I do now, so I figure it can't hurt, even if it "slows the detox down".
I'm going to try and eat a little bit of banana with these supplements - maybe a bit of avocado. I WANT to eat all sorts of regular food (mostly raw), but now I'm petrified that I'll gain MORE weight now, since my metabolism is all fucked up now.
Anyone wanting to embark on the juice fast, BEWARE. I mean, seriously. I was two weeks totally raw before going on the juice fast, and my reactions to it are simply NOT good and go well beyond what I see people talking about for symptoms. It's like my body just wants to shut down and die. I know that sounds dramatic, but if I have to keep feeling like this, *I* want to die. I can't handle it. If I saw some sort of benefit to this, I could probably hang in there 100%. But, quite frankly, I see NO advantage.
Now hubs on the other hand...he feels fine. He says his energy levels aren't the greatest, but overall he feels okay - pretty good, even. He smoked (and drank some, too) for the greater part of last year, so you would think he would be going through all kinds of crap. But...nope. Not HIM.
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