Okay, I have to 'fess up. I was bad for two days and ate cooked foods. I'm not going to say that I just went all hog wild and loaded up on cakes and cookies, but one day I ate a veggie Subway sandwich because I felt so crappy...(and then ate a small cheese sandwich later that evening just 'cause...!) and the next day, I gave in to eating Mexican food (cheese enchiladas, beans and rice) for lunch. Hubs only cheated for a day, but he ate meat on that day (and a Subway sandwich, too).
Bad, bad, bad!!
I could beat myself up over this, or I can move on and go right back to raw (which I did, today).
I was at an all time low (and very dehydrated at that point...but who cares, I'm counting it! LOL!!) earlier this week with a total of 15 lbs weight loss. As of this morning, after my processed food binge, I went back to a total of 10 lbs of weight loss (gained 5 lbs in 2-3 days, which is pretty astonishing). I'm guessing that my body is so loaded with sodium and crud, that I'm retaining some water. I was chugging water like it was going out of style over the past few days, but it's not coming back out very much. So...who knows. I'll just weigh myself next week, and hopefully my body will have recovered from the horrors I just exposed it to. LOL! I'm going to guess that my 30 day average of weight loss was around 11-12 lbs or so. Not too bad, but not earth-shattering, either. Half of that weight I lost in the first week.
So how did I feel after eating cooked foods for a coule days? The Subway sandwich felt great, at first. Then I started feeling sick, like my stomach was overloaded and heavy.
The next day, when I ate the cheese enchiladas and their friends, Mr. Beans and Ms. Rice, I felt horribly over-full and awful afterwards. I didn't eat that morning, and I didn't eat after that lunch until later that night, in which I ate fresh fruit. I feel better today, although my body is telling me to eat bread and cheese again...no...no...no!
Some people talk about eating cooked foods and them tasting "dead" and such after being on a raw food diet. Um, not my experience...just being honest, here. It all tasted completely amazing! It was like the flavors just exploded in my mouth, unfortunately. It was the sick feelings afterwards that got to me, though.
So, in a nutshell...technically I'm back on raw and technically only about day 31 if you don't count those other two days. Whatever...I guess I shouldn't be so nit-picky, and just get back up on the horse. I have to say, I've been awfully good on this diet up until this point, so I'll just refrain from beating myself up.
I just wish that I felt better eating raw. I mean, I KINDA do...but I still have yet to feel the energy bursts and all that rot. I'm tired ALL the time, and even after 8-9 hours of sleep, my body wants to take 2 hour naps, which I simply don't have time for. I guess that's all detox (and now I've royally screwed that up with my little 2-day binge), but sheesh...I was hoping to feel better after a month. I would say about 80-90% of the time, I've felt like CRAP on this diet thus far. Not good. I honestly think this attributed to my little cooked food outburst/rebellion.
In looking at this blog, I hope anyone reading this isn't deterred from going on a mostly raw or high raw/all raw food lifestyle. I know what I am posting is mostly negative, but I'm basically just venting. What I believe is causing all my symptoms is simply detox...and they apparently are pretty classic - just NOT easy. The only thing that's NOT classic is my slow weight loss, even on the juice fast. I still get a little pissed off when I think about it (see previous posts on it), since I went through sooo much only to lose sooooo little on it...LOL!
The emotional detox has slowed down. The days I was on cooked foods, I was almost euphoric - hate to say it - even with my stomach feeling all icky and all. I'm kind of dreading these next few days as I undergo more detox to get my body restarted on this.
I am also hating to say this, but apparently raw food doesn't get weight off of me quickly. At all. Regardless of whether I exercise, sweat my butt off in saunas, etc. I am dubious as to whether or not I'll meet my goal of 120 lbs by my birthday (July 14), since I've got a loooong way to go. Let's just say, at the rate I'm going (12 lbs month or less), I will definitely not be meeting my goals, which is completely disappointing, to say the least. Right now, I'm averaging 1-2 lbs of weight loss a week (before my binge). Before starting this, I was all pumped up and excited to read about people who lost 1/2 lb a day going all raw, and feeling fantastic. There again, I read about people on the juice fast losing 1-3 lbs a DAY at the onslaught of it, too...and again, feeling great.
Nope, not me, though!
There again, I will be much lighter than I WAS, even if I don't hit my goals, so perhaps I can console myself. I just reeeeeeeeeeally, reeeeeeeally wanted to be there @ 120 lbs for my birthday. :(
At any rate, I'm back on the diet, full-force. I guess we'll see where it takes me next?
On an update about my son (turning 5 tomorrow!), the cultures on his urine came back negative for bacteria. No UTIs. No excess calcium in his urine...nor creatine, either. We're all stumped. All other tests came back negative (as in, he doesn't have anything unusual going on). He doesn't hurt anymore, and is acting all normal...so...? The doctor is still sticking with the kidney stone theory, even though the renal ultrasounds all came back clear.
We are all hoping that it was a weird fluke, even if it WAS a kidney stone, and we're watching him really closely (obviously).
That's it for now...'till next time! Perhaps I can post again soon and talk about how awesome I'm feeling, and how I am STAYING on the diet and not straying - LOL!!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Day 24 Raw
I caught a cold from my kiddos a couple of days ago, and I've felt terrible. On top of the regular "detox" terrible, and all. Uuuugh!
Our SAD (Standard American Diet) has really got me a-thinkin' today, as we had an incident with our 4 (almost 5) year old son yesterday and today. He is not participating in an all-raw diet, and we have been feeding him the usual stuff that kids these days get. I am feeling really guilty about this now, as yesterday, he started complaining about his pee-pee hurting. Very concerned, I called the doctor, but it was too late to take him in, and they thought it was likely to be a UTI. He was in such agony every time he went wee-wee, it was just awful. I tried to get him to drink lots of water, and it was just such an act of congress to get him to pee...mainly because he was trying to hold it as long as possible because it hurt him so much to go. :( Poor guy!
I got the appointment first thing this morning, and hubs took him in while I watched our other baby. What was super scary, though, was that my 4 year old woke up this morning and felt great - he even said he went potty with no probs, so I asked him to go again so I could see for myself. He immediately started urinating a RED color pee. It wasn't like straight blood, but it was definitely bloody and red. I nearly had a heart attack seeing that, although my son claimed he felt fine and there was no fever, etc. I thought it was going to be a UTI, so I figured it wouldn't take him long to get through the appt and get back home with some antibiotics.
Weeeeell...the doctor actually thought that perhaps the fact that 1) he was urinating blood and 2) he went from being in horrible pain to suddenly feeling better ... well, she really thought it was more along the lines of a kidney stone, as it didn't appear to be a UTI.
Holy crap! He's only four! How is that possible?
Upon looking up kidney stones in toddlers and young children, apparently this is getting more and more common. The main causes seem to be a diet high in sodium (and our SAD diet ALWAYS contains this - everything from canned food and prepared foods, and even common things like peanut butter - which my son practically eats by the pound....!), diets high in calcium, diets high in sugar, etc. In addition, if the child doesn't drink enough water a day (this is something my son DOES do right...he drinks toooons of water each day - he LOVES our reverse osmosis water, and actually prefers that over sodas and juices, etc.), this can cause them, too.
Although we try to get him to eat "healthy", I must admit that we do feed him processed foods. For breakfast, he'll eat cereal (non-sugar ones), a granola bar, maybe a waffle, or something along those lines (never all of them at once...LOL! And the waffles are actually pretty rare...I try to serve up eggs and toast or something more often for the "protein" part of it.). He may snack on nuts or some cheese or something (I like to try and give him a boiled egg at times, too), and for lunch, he'll have wheat bread (still, it's processed!) with peanut butter and honey and some sort of side snack with it...and for dinner, he likes to eat some variation of pasta, beans, potatoes, or something along those lines...and I try to incorporate a couple of servings of veggies in that meal to round it out. But still...they're usually cooked. When he goes to school a couple days a week, sometimes we'll give him a Lunchable (which are ALL loaded with sodium and processed crap!). I limit straight sugar stuff - only for special occasions (Valentines Day, Easter, Christmas, birthday), and if he gets a lot of it (such as the case with Easter - lots of people, including us, gave him a lot of goodies), I hide the bulk of it and ration out to him veeeeery slowly).
He likes snacking on apples sometimes...sometimes will eat some bananas and grapes. I try to incorporate fresh fruit, but it appears I am not doing enough! He is also extremely skinny, and he never overeats.
Anyhow...long story, short...apparently he passed a kidney stone already, thanks to this current SAD way of eating. He's not even 5 years old! Needless to say, MUCHO changes are about to happen with this. I'm not about to stand around and watch his health deteriorate because he's eating the wrong foods (even if those foods are "accepted" as reasonably healthy by SAD standards). The pain and agony he went through broke my heart, and I swear on my life that I will do whatever it takes for that not to happen again. Even if it means telling friends and family to please abstain from giving him goodies and sweets and sugary treats. I'll figure out a way to give him all RAW treats that taste as good or better!
I'm rambling, but it's really made me think long and hard about these lifestyle changes we're making for ourselves as adults. We need to start with our children! I thought I would perhaps be "depriving" him somehow if I didn't feed him what all the other kids were eating, but all I'm doing is giving him terrible health!
Don't get me wrong...he is feeling fine in every other way...but I am simply stunned that he ended up with (hopefully just one) a kidney stone. There are more tests the doctor is still currently running to determine if he is "prone" to developing more kidney stones...although, quite frankly, I don't care if he's "prone" to it or not...we are simply going to change his diet to waaaaaaaaay more healthy changes so that it simply doesn't happen again.
Overall, I'm still feeling crummy. LOL! Still waiting for this raw diet to give me energy and health and feelings of well-being...yada yada. Surely it'll come by the one month mark? Maybe?
Our SAD (Standard American Diet) has really got me a-thinkin' today, as we had an incident with our 4 (almost 5) year old son yesterday and today. He is not participating in an all-raw diet, and we have been feeding him the usual stuff that kids these days get. I am feeling really guilty about this now, as yesterday, he started complaining about his pee-pee hurting. Very concerned, I called the doctor, but it was too late to take him in, and they thought it was likely to be a UTI. He was in such agony every time he went wee-wee, it was just awful. I tried to get him to drink lots of water, and it was just such an act of congress to get him to pee...mainly because he was trying to hold it as long as possible because it hurt him so much to go. :( Poor guy!
I got the appointment first thing this morning, and hubs took him in while I watched our other baby. What was super scary, though, was that my 4 year old woke up this morning and felt great - he even said he went potty with no probs, so I asked him to go again so I could see for myself. He immediately started urinating a RED color pee. It wasn't like straight blood, but it was definitely bloody and red. I nearly had a heart attack seeing that, although my son claimed he felt fine and there was no fever, etc. I thought it was going to be a UTI, so I figured it wouldn't take him long to get through the appt and get back home with some antibiotics.
Weeeeell...the doctor actually thought that perhaps the fact that 1) he was urinating blood and 2) he went from being in horrible pain to suddenly feeling better ... well, she really thought it was more along the lines of a kidney stone, as it didn't appear to be a UTI.
Holy crap! He's only four! How is that possible?
Upon looking up kidney stones in toddlers and young children, apparently this is getting more and more common. The main causes seem to be a diet high in sodium (and our SAD diet ALWAYS contains this - everything from canned food and prepared foods, and even common things like peanut butter - which my son practically eats by the pound....!), diets high in calcium, diets high in sugar, etc. In addition, if the child doesn't drink enough water a day (this is something my son DOES do right...he drinks toooons of water each day - he LOVES our reverse osmosis water, and actually prefers that over sodas and juices, etc.), this can cause them, too.
Although we try to get him to eat "healthy", I must admit that we do feed him processed foods. For breakfast, he'll eat cereal (non-sugar ones), a granola bar, maybe a waffle, or something along those lines (never all of them at once...LOL! And the waffles are actually pretty rare...I try to serve up eggs and toast or something more often for the "protein" part of it.). He may snack on nuts or some cheese or something (I like to try and give him a boiled egg at times, too), and for lunch, he'll have wheat bread (still, it's processed!) with peanut butter and honey and some sort of side snack with it...and for dinner, he likes to eat some variation of pasta, beans, potatoes, or something along those lines...and I try to incorporate a couple of servings of veggies in that meal to round it out. But still...they're usually cooked. When he goes to school a couple days a week, sometimes we'll give him a Lunchable (which are ALL loaded with sodium and processed crap!). I limit straight sugar stuff - only for special occasions (Valentines Day, Easter, Christmas, birthday), and if he gets a lot of it (such as the case with Easter - lots of people, including us, gave him a lot of goodies), I hide the bulk of it and ration out to him veeeeery slowly).
He likes snacking on apples sometimes...sometimes will eat some bananas and grapes. I try to incorporate fresh fruit, but it appears I am not doing enough! He is also extremely skinny, and he never overeats.
Anyhow...long story, short...apparently he passed a kidney stone already, thanks to this current SAD way of eating. He's not even 5 years old! Needless to say, MUCHO changes are about to happen with this. I'm not about to stand around and watch his health deteriorate because he's eating the wrong foods (even if those foods are "accepted" as reasonably healthy by SAD standards). The pain and agony he went through broke my heart, and I swear on my life that I will do whatever it takes for that not to happen again. Even if it means telling friends and family to please abstain from giving him goodies and sweets and sugary treats. I'll figure out a way to give him all RAW treats that taste as good or better!
I'm rambling, but it's really made me think long and hard about these lifestyle changes we're making for ourselves as adults. We need to start with our children! I thought I would perhaps be "depriving" him somehow if I didn't feed him what all the other kids were eating, but all I'm doing is giving him terrible health!
Don't get me wrong...he is feeling fine in every other way...but I am simply stunned that he ended up with (hopefully just one) a kidney stone. There are more tests the doctor is still currently running to determine if he is "prone" to developing more kidney stones...although, quite frankly, I don't care if he's "prone" to it or not...we are simply going to change his diet to waaaaaaaaay more healthy changes so that it simply doesn't happen again.
Overall, I'm still feeling crummy. LOL! Still waiting for this raw diet to give me energy and health and feelings of well-being...yada yada. Surely it'll come by the one month mark? Maybe?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Day 21 Raw - Fast Completely Broken
Well, I "did dun it now". I was feeling so awful yesterday, that hubs and I made an executive decision to break the fast an start right back to an all raw diet. I told hubs that he didn't have to break his fast, but he did, anyway. He probably figured it would be pretty tempting watching me eat all the raw goodness and goodies, while he does nothing but sip juices.
As SOON as I broke the fast (ate a banana...then later ate a very simple raw green salad), I felt a billion times better. No joke. I went from wanting to lay down and die to feeling good enough to go out and have a good time that evening. Both hubs and I were actually commenting that we almost felt euphoric after eating real food again - it was pretty amazing.
Today, I am doing okay. I think I'm catching my children's little cold that they've passed to each other, as my throat is KILLING me and I feel extremely lethargic again. It's a different kind of lethargy than I felt yesterday, though. I feel crummy, but I was at least functional, and was able to get some work done (yes, I'll work on weekends, mostly from home, though). Yesterday, prior to breaking the fast, it was like my body just completely shut down. It appears my body was simply not ready for a full-on juice fast, so we're putting that plan on hold until I can detox a little more slowly on raw food.
We went to Central Market and I bought a bunch of Medjool dates - yum, my fav!! They tasted soooooo sweet today (I ate four in a row and nearly made myself sick, but they were oooooh, so good!). Actually, everything I ate today tasted fantastic. If there was any benefit of the fast that I can see, it's that it increased my appreciation for simple, raw, fresh food. I was chuckling to hubs that a month ago it would have sounded crazy that eating raw food would feel like a luxury, but it does after that horrible fast.
Don't get me wrong - I think juice fasting is fantastic for some people. Just not for me...not right now, anyhow. I'm thinking about redoing a juice fast later, perhaps if I really plateau in my weight loss, or feel I can't get past a certain point and feel as though the fast might shake it loose. Perhaps I'll do it closer to my goal weight, as in June or July.
Hubs still has the scale hidden, which is just as well, since I'm sure I probably instantly gained back all of the 1.8 lbs I lost. :D We agreed to weigh once a week, and that's IT. No more obsessing over it on a daily basis, which I told myself I wasn't going to do on this journey in the first place (and look at how well I did...NOT!).
I have to say that I feel good about the decision to break the fast, and I feel it was for the best. Who knows? Maybe even five days of the fast did something good for me. I can't think of anything good about it right now, but that doesn't mean something didn't come of it. (As you can see, my outlook has changed dramatically, since yesterday!)
I'm feeling fairly exhausted, so it's time to go to bed!
As SOON as I broke the fast (ate a banana...then later ate a very simple raw green salad), I felt a billion times better. No joke. I went from wanting to lay down and die to feeling good enough to go out and have a good time that evening. Both hubs and I were actually commenting that we almost felt euphoric after eating real food again - it was pretty amazing.
Today, I am doing okay. I think I'm catching my children's little cold that they've passed to each other, as my throat is KILLING me and I feel extremely lethargic again. It's a different kind of lethargy than I felt yesterday, though. I feel crummy, but I was at least functional, and was able to get some work done (yes, I'll work on weekends, mostly from home, though). Yesterday, prior to breaking the fast, it was like my body just completely shut down. It appears my body was simply not ready for a full-on juice fast, so we're putting that plan on hold until I can detox a little more slowly on raw food.
We went to Central Market and I bought a bunch of Medjool dates - yum, my fav!! They tasted soooooo sweet today (I ate four in a row and nearly made myself sick, but they were oooooh, so good!). Actually, everything I ate today tasted fantastic. If there was any benefit of the fast that I can see, it's that it increased my appreciation for simple, raw, fresh food. I was chuckling to hubs that a month ago it would have sounded crazy that eating raw food would feel like a luxury, but it does after that horrible fast.
Don't get me wrong - I think juice fasting is fantastic for some people. Just not for me...not right now, anyhow. I'm thinking about redoing a juice fast later, perhaps if I really plateau in my weight loss, or feel I can't get past a certain point and feel as though the fast might shake it loose. Perhaps I'll do it closer to my goal weight, as in June or July.
Hubs still has the scale hidden, which is just as well, since I'm sure I probably instantly gained back all of the 1.8 lbs I lost. :D We agreed to weigh once a week, and that's IT. No more obsessing over it on a daily basis, which I told myself I wasn't going to do on this journey in the first place (and look at how well I did...NOT!).
I have to say that I feel good about the decision to break the fast, and I feel it was for the best. Who knows? Maybe even five days of the fast did something good for me. I can't think of anything good about it right now, but that doesn't mean something didn't come of it. (As you can see, my outlook has changed dramatically, since yesterday!)
I'm feeling fairly exhausted, so it's time to go to bed!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Day 6 Juice Fast - Something's Gotta Give
I awoke today like all these other days - exhausted beyond measure, sore and in pain, feeling like total sh!t, etc. I still had my hopes up that MAYBE I finally lost a little weight, though. I dragged myself to the scale after going to the bathroom and urinated for like the 1000th time during the past 24 hours. I got on the scale, and it read that I GAINED 1 lb.
That's right, folks. I f'in GAINED.
This is day six of an incredibly strict juice fast (making sure I don't drink "too much" juice and rotating fruits and veggies around), and the total loss is 1.8 lbs. Wow. WOW. Wow. Really? I mean, REALLY?!?!?! WTF?! All this torture...all this pain...all this anguish...all these emotional mood swings and total, utter feelings of despair and hunger.
All for a f'in 1.8 lbs. That's a two week weight loss of 2.8 lbs. All raw. No joke. I'm practically killing myself to lose weight and be "healthy", and this is the thanks I get. I mean, it doesn't get much more radical (short of a water fast) than a juice fast. And I can barely lose anything on that. My metabolism must be nil. As in, shut down completely.
I did the only reasonable thing I could do after I got that reading: I had an utter meltdown. Totally went postal. Uncontrollable feelings of frustration and that PURE ABSOLUTE RAGE engulfed me. Banged my fist into the kitchen countertop as hard as I could, over and over, like a deranged child - and promptly injured my wrist. (It's nice and swollen and it even hurts like f'in HELL to type this.) I fell to the floor sobbing in anguish and disgust. Screaming and wailing, even. My poor 4 year old ran to his room and hid. It was just horrid. I couldn't even begin to control myself. My husband had to march me into the bedroom, escort me to bed, and here I am.
And I've been crying and sobbing ever since. I can't stop. I can even stand without trembling in weakness and feeling such AGONY. He made me some apple juice with ginger, and I could barely taste it because of the horrible coating in my mouth (tastes faintly like metal, but my tongue is mostly numb on the tastebuds).
Fuck this. I mean, seriously. I am barely functional...can't focus...moody as hell...feeling violent...starving myself...and it does next to NOTHING. Then, when I sleep, I have these HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE emotional nightmares all night. I wake up to pee a million times, too. I don't have the strength to exercise or even walk. I don't have the energy to be able to pick up my 8 month old. I can't do anything. We were supposed to go to an arts festival, but that was totally blown out of the water. No way will I be able to go like this. I'm too exhausted to even take a shower and get ready (much less the crazy emotional roller coaster I'm on).
Hubs has been great through this - and thank god (or whatever force) he is here, because I honestly don't know what I would have done or broke in this state I am in. Actually, quite simply, I would have to promptly and totally get off of this fast. My body can't handle it, and I can't put all of my entire life on hold because this is turning me into a manical, dysfunctional lunatic.
Just as a side note, I am NOT a depressed-type individual. I am NOT a violent-type person. (I'm actually the opposite - I do whatever I can to avoid conflict and try to placate everyone.) Why all this aggression is coming out, I can't even begin to fathom...but it is NOT good. I made up my mind that I can NOT keep doing this if this continues another second.
If I had all thes symptoms, yet the weight was still coming off, I'd at least be able to look at the "bright side". In my sitch on this diet, however, I simply don't see ANY bright side to this, and each day just continues to get worse and worse again.
Oh yeah...and hubs went and hid the scale, which is just as well. Fuck that rat bastard (the scale, I mean), and this diet, too.
Hubs did a little research, and he thinks I probably need to take some supplements ad potentially eat a little food here and there. (I definitely can't take any supplements with juice fasting - I'll puke them all up very promptly on juice alone.) The supplements I will be using will be mostly part of the Colonix program (we had some leftover from last year), minus the Paranil stuff (we ran out of it a while back).
I'm not sure if it's normal, but I haven't had any bowel movements in several days. Part of the Colonix program has a bunch of fiber supplementation to take, so I'm going to take that twice a day, in case there's something toxic totally stuck in my gut and I just keep going on this viscious cycle of endless detox with no end or improvement in sight. I read that if the toxins don't pass out, they just keep getting reabsorbed into the system. We have a sneaking suspicious that this is what is happening to me.
Hubs was looking into the enema stuff, but I am really freaking out about doing that from home. So, for now, I'm doing the fiber (which includes psyllium husks), Detoxigreens, and the Toxinout. This will also provide some extra vitamins for me - and hopefully more energy (and PLEASE tell me BETTER MOOD, too). I can't possibly feel any worse than I do now, so I figure it can't hurt, even if it "slows the detox down".
I'm going to try and eat a little bit of banana with these supplements - maybe a bit of avocado. I WANT to eat all sorts of regular food (mostly raw), but now I'm petrified that I'll gain MORE weight now, since my metabolism is all fucked up now.
Anyone wanting to embark on the juice fast, BEWARE. I mean, seriously. I was two weeks totally raw before going on the juice fast, and my reactions to it are simply NOT good and go well beyond what I see people talking about for symptoms. It's like my body just wants to shut down and die. I know that sounds dramatic, but if I have to keep feeling like this, *I* want to die. I can't handle it. If I saw some sort of benefit to this, I could probably hang in there 100%. But, quite frankly, I see NO advantage.
Now hubs on the other hand...he feels fine. He says his energy levels aren't the greatest, but overall he feels okay - pretty good, even. He smoked (and drank some, too) for the greater part of last year, so you would think he would be going through all kinds of crap. But...nope. Not HIM.
That's right, folks. I f'in GAINED.
This is day six of an incredibly strict juice fast (making sure I don't drink "too much" juice and rotating fruits and veggies around), and the total loss is 1.8 lbs. Wow. WOW. Wow. Really? I mean, REALLY?!?!?! WTF?! All this torture...all this pain...all this anguish...all these emotional mood swings and total, utter feelings of despair and hunger.
All for a f'in 1.8 lbs. That's a two week weight loss of 2.8 lbs. All raw. No joke. I'm practically killing myself to lose weight and be "healthy", and this is the thanks I get. I mean, it doesn't get much more radical (short of a water fast) than a juice fast. And I can barely lose anything on that. My metabolism must be nil. As in, shut down completely.
I did the only reasonable thing I could do after I got that reading: I had an utter meltdown. Totally went postal. Uncontrollable feelings of frustration and that PURE ABSOLUTE RAGE engulfed me. Banged my fist into the kitchen countertop as hard as I could, over and over, like a deranged child - and promptly injured my wrist. (It's nice and swollen and it even hurts like f'in HELL to type this.) I fell to the floor sobbing in anguish and disgust. Screaming and wailing, even. My poor 4 year old ran to his room and hid. It was just horrid. I couldn't even begin to control myself. My husband had to march me into the bedroom, escort me to bed, and here I am.
And I've been crying and sobbing ever since. I can't stop. I can even stand without trembling in weakness and feeling such AGONY. He made me some apple juice with ginger, and I could barely taste it because of the horrible coating in my mouth (tastes faintly like metal, but my tongue is mostly numb on the tastebuds).
Fuck this. I mean, seriously. I am barely functional...can't focus...moody as hell...feeling violent...starving myself...and it does next to NOTHING. Then, when I sleep, I have these HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE emotional nightmares all night. I wake up to pee a million times, too. I don't have the strength to exercise or even walk. I don't have the energy to be able to pick up my 8 month old. I can't do anything. We were supposed to go to an arts festival, but that was totally blown out of the water. No way will I be able to go like this. I'm too exhausted to even take a shower and get ready (much less the crazy emotional roller coaster I'm on).
Hubs has been great through this - and thank god (or whatever force) he is here, because I honestly don't know what I would have done or broke in this state I am in. Actually, quite simply, I would have to promptly and totally get off of this fast. My body can't handle it, and I can't put all of my entire life on hold because this is turning me into a manical, dysfunctional lunatic.
Just as a side note, I am NOT a depressed-type individual. I am NOT a violent-type person. (I'm actually the opposite - I do whatever I can to avoid conflict and try to placate everyone.) Why all this aggression is coming out, I can't even begin to fathom...but it is NOT good. I made up my mind that I can NOT keep doing this if this continues another second.
If I had all thes symptoms, yet the weight was still coming off, I'd at least be able to look at the "bright side". In my sitch on this diet, however, I simply don't see ANY bright side to this, and each day just continues to get worse and worse again.
Oh yeah...and hubs went and hid the scale, which is just as well. Fuck that rat bastard (the scale, I mean), and this diet, too.
Hubs did a little research, and he thinks I probably need to take some supplements ad potentially eat a little food here and there. (I definitely can't take any supplements with juice fasting - I'll puke them all up very promptly on juice alone.) The supplements I will be using will be mostly part of the Colonix program (we had some leftover from last year), minus the Paranil stuff (we ran out of it a while back).
I'm not sure if it's normal, but I haven't had any bowel movements in several days. Part of the Colonix program has a bunch of fiber supplementation to take, so I'm going to take that twice a day, in case there's something toxic totally stuck in my gut and I just keep going on this viscious cycle of endless detox with no end or improvement in sight. I read that if the toxins don't pass out, they just keep getting reabsorbed into the system. We have a sneaking suspicious that this is what is happening to me.
Hubs was looking into the enema stuff, but I am really freaking out about doing that from home. So, for now, I'm doing the fiber (which includes psyllium husks), Detoxigreens, and the Toxinout. This will also provide some extra vitamins for me - and hopefully more energy (and PLEASE tell me BETTER MOOD, too). I can't possibly feel any worse than I do now, so I figure it can't hurt, even if it "slows the detox down".
I'm going to try and eat a little bit of banana with these supplements - maybe a bit of avocado. I WANT to eat all sorts of regular food (mostly raw), but now I'm petrified that I'll gain MORE weight now, since my metabolism is all fucked up now.
Anyone wanting to embark on the juice fast, BEWARE. I mean, seriously. I was two weeks totally raw before going on the juice fast, and my reactions to it are simply NOT good and go well beyond what I see people talking about for symptoms. It's like my body just wants to shut down and die. I know that sounds dramatic, but if I have to keep feeling like this, *I* want to die. I can't handle it. If I saw some sort of benefit to this, I could probably hang in there 100%. But, quite frankly, I see NO advantage.
Now hubs on the other hand...he feels fine. He says his energy levels aren't the greatest, but overall he feels okay - pretty good, even. He smoked (and drank some, too) for the greater part of last year, so you would think he would be going through all kinds of crap. But...nope. Not HIM.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Day 5 Juice Fast
Feeling emotionally frustrated today. I went to the sauna for over an hour yesterday (we use an infrared one), ate (or drank juice, rather) very little yesterday, urinated probably 100 times last night - a LOT...and I finally lost a whopping .8 lbs. I know I should probably be happy with that, but .8 pounds in two days with exercise and sauna time/lots of sweating, lots of urination...plus cutting back on the juice intake...shouldn't I be losing faster than that? I don't know...maybe I'm just in a pissy mood today and the emotional detox is getting to me. I see all these stories about how people lose at LEAST 1 lb a day on a juice fast, and who lose pretty quickly on raw...and here I am. Remember, the whole week all raw before I got on the juice fast, I lost an astounding one pound. Whoop-dee-f'in-doo.
Oh, another thing that's irritating...I also keep reading about people who have commented that the whites of their eyes seem to get whiter, yada yada yada. Mine are MORE bloodshot. I'm not talking about a super-red color or anything, but the veins in my eyes are definitely MORE noticable, and my eyelids are redder and puffier. Weird. Everything everyone keeps talking about, the opposite happens to me. Go figure!
Still waiting for the emotional detox to get better. I think I'm doing okay, and then something relatively minor happens and I freak out, start crying, get sooooo frustrated, etc. This is NOT like me at all, so I'm at a loss of words for it. I do NOT like it, to say the least.
Also still waiting for that wonderous claim of energy. Please tell me it's gonna hit soon. I'm nearing three weeks all raw, and I've felt like crap most of those days. NO energy. LOTS of lethargy and painful, sore muscles. I know the juice fast is supposed to be harder than raw, but geez. Raw was rough enough as it was. I was hoping to kinda start feeling a little better by now. Either I'm super toxic and my body is having a rough time with it, or raw simply doesn't agree with me.
One thing I'd like to note that I have NOT done and do not plan on doing...is many suggest getting a colonic before the juice fast. I can't afford to go in and have someone do it for me (nor the time), and I am NOT sticking something up my rear end and flowing fluid up in an area where stuff is supposed to come OUT of (no way I will be able to do this to myself). Plus, isn't the point of going "raw" and juicing supposed to be mostly natural? Sticking stuff up my rear and "cleaning" it unnaturally just doesn't seem "right", and I am petrified of it, to be honest. Also, wouldn't it upset the natural flora in there worse? Maybe I'm wrong, but let's just say that I am totally uncomfortable with doing that. The downside of this, is that perhaps it's the only way to get extra toxic stuff out during something like a juice fast...and maybe this is why my body is having a reeeeeeeeeeally hard time with losing weight. It's not as though I'm anywhere near my goal weight, so I could see slower weight loss for those who aren't really that overweight.
I won't disclose exactly how much I weigh yet, but let's just say that it's plenty. :D LOL.
Either way, I feel like I'm torturing my body for no real good reason. Maybe it's just too soon to see much results yet. I still have 25 more days to go on the juice fast, and I was really hoping to lose around 30 lbs. Based on these five days, I'm already behind schedule on that, so maybe my expectations are a bit unrealistic.
Wish this wasn't so f'in hard!!!!
Oh, another thing that's irritating...I also keep reading about people who have commented that the whites of their eyes seem to get whiter, yada yada yada. Mine are MORE bloodshot. I'm not talking about a super-red color or anything, but the veins in my eyes are definitely MORE noticable, and my eyelids are redder and puffier. Weird. Everything everyone keeps talking about, the opposite happens to me. Go figure!
Still waiting for the emotional detox to get better. I think I'm doing okay, and then something relatively minor happens and I freak out, start crying, get sooooo frustrated, etc. This is NOT like me at all, so I'm at a loss of words for it. I do NOT like it, to say the least.
Also still waiting for that wonderous claim of energy. Please tell me it's gonna hit soon. I'm nearing three weeks all raw, and I've felt like crap most of those days. NO energy. LOTS of lethargy and painful, sore muscles. I know the juice fast is supposed to be harder than raw, but geez. Raw was rough enough as it was. I was hoping to kinda start feeling a little better by now. Either I'm super toxic and my body is having a rough time with it, or raw simply doesn't agree with me.
One thing I'd like to note that I have NOT done and do not plan on doing...is many suggest getting a colonic before the juice fast. I can't afford to go in and have someone do it for me (nor the time), and I am NOT sticking something up my rear end and flowing fluid up in an area where stuff is supposed to come OUT of (no way I will be able to do this to myself). Plus, isn't the point of going "raw" and juicing supposed to be mostly natural? Sticking stuff up my rear and "cleaning" it unnaturally just doesn't seem "right", and I am petrified of it, to be honest. Also, wouldn't it upset the natural flora in there worse? Maybe I'm wrong, but let's just say that I am totally uncomfortable with doing that. The downside of this, is that perhaps it's the only way to get extra toxic stuff out during something like a juice fast...and maybe this is why my body is having a reeeeeeeeeeally hard time with losing weight. It's not as though I'm anywhere near my goal weight, so I could see slower weight loss for those who aren't really that overweight.
I won't disclose exactly how much I weigh yet, but let's just say that it's plenty. :D LOL.
Either way, I feel like I'm torturing my body for no real good reason. Maybe it's just too soon to see much results yet. I still have 25 more days to go on the juice fast, and I was really hoping to lose around 30 lbs. Based on these five days, I'm already behind schedule on that, so maybe my expectations are a bit unrealistic.
Wish this wasn't so f'in hard!!!!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Day 18 Raw Food/Day 4 Juice Fast
Still waiting for that "clarity" of mind and bursts of energy, as I'm totally not feeling either (opposite, actually). I feel spacey and foggy of mind, and my energy levels are non-existent, although I force myself to keep plugging along. Still, I am able to "function" and work, etc...I just have to double check myself to ensure I don't screw stuff up. I hope I don't get worse, because I will seriously have to get off of the fast...I can't afford to mess up my job. It's like my IQ has dropped 50 points and the juice is turning me a little mentally retarded. Seriously. At the end of the day, it's hard for me to communicate complete sentences correctly and coherently. It's bizarre. My tongue even feels exhausted to the point that it can't formulate the words precisely - I even caught myself slurring and physically having difficulty talking.
We're juicing every veggie and fruit imaginable, so it's not like we're not getting a variety...we rotate them around and probably drink 50% fruit juice and 50% veggie juice. We're not cheating, either...so I don't know why I'm soooooo foggy and getting so incompetent. Hubs is NOT having the same reaction, although he confessed that he feels a little run down.
I have lost 2 lbs so far on the juice fast, and this is Day Four. Not sure how to feel about this, but I have to admit that I'm a little disappointed...for some reason, I had it stuck in my head that I would potentially drop about a 1 lb or more a day for the first week or so. No pound loss from yesterday to today was also shocking, as I made a point to walk a lot (in vain attempts to clear my foggy head and mind), keep on my feet all day, etc. to the point of literally falling into my bed at around 9 pm and dozing off.
I generally sip juices all day, and it's my guess that I'm drinking around a gallon or more of juices (although I might be totally off, there? Hard to tell?). I'm not all that "hungry" in the conventional sense of the term, but there's this yawning yearning for something more substantial on my stomach. Not sure if that will go away. I find myself so spacey that I'll absent-mindedly reach for food (raw food, like a banana or something) and nearly take a bite; I'll stop myself just in time to remind my poor body that I cannot have it.
Hubs is dropping a LOT of weight fast (I think he lost 7-8 lbs already), and he hasn't been NEARLY as active as I have been since the start of this fast, so I'm pretty frustrated at that. It simply doesn't seem fair in the slightest that I'm going through the worst symptoms, feeling super crappy, can't focus well, can't lose weight very well, etc....yet I'm working the hardest to lose it...and HE gets the benefit of insta-weightloss. Arrrrgh.
Still going through some emotional detox, as evidenced in a really horrible and emotional dream last night. I won't go into details here, as I know what the dream was referencing...but it was reeeealy awful, and I awoke in tears and feeling just emotionally terrible/torn-up about it. Wish that stuff would stop already. Thankfully, I'm not in the ANGER-CLENCHED-TEETH-BURNING-RAGE mode anymore, so maybe that part has passed, at least. LOL!
Hope this all gets better sooner rather than later! Ugh!
We're juicing every veggie and fruit imaginable, so it's not like we're not getting a variety...we rotate them around and probably drink 50% fruit juice and 50% veggie juice. We're not cheating, either...so I don't know why I'm soooooo foggy and getting so incompetent. Hubs is NOT having the same reaction, although he confessed that he feels a little run down.
I have lost 2 lbs so far on the juice fast, and this is Day Four. Not sure how to feel about this, but I have to admit that I'm a little disappointed...for some reason, I had it stuck in my head that I would potentially drop about a 1 lb or more a day for the first week or so. No pound loss from yesterday to today was also shocking, as I made a point to walk a lot (in vain attempts to clear my foggy head and mind), keep on my feet all day, etc. to the point of literally falling into my bed at around 9 pm and dozing off.
I generally sip juices all day, and it's my guess that I'm drinking around a gallon or more of juices (although I might be totally off, there? Hard to tell?). I'm not all that "hungry" in the conventional sense of the term, but there's this yawning yearning for something more substantial on my stomach. Not sure if that will go away. I find myself so spacey that I'll absent-mindedly reach for food (raw food, like a banana or something) and nearly take a bite; I'll stop myself just in time to remind my poor body that I cannot have it.
Hubs is dropping a LOT of weight fast (I think he lost 7-8 lbs already), and he hasn't been NEARLY as active as I have been since the start of this fast, so I'm pretty frustrated at that. It simply doesn't seem fair in the slightest that I'm going through the worst symptoms, feeling super crappy, can't focus well, can't lose weight very well, etc....yet I'm working the hardest to lose it...and HE gets the benefit of insta-weightloss. Arrrrgh.
Still going through some emotional detox, as evidenced in a really horrible and emotional dream last night. I won't go into details here, as I know what the dream was referencing...but it was reeeealy awful, and I awoke in tears and feeling just emotionally terrible/torn-up about it. Wish that stuff would stop already. Thankfully, I'm not in the ANGER-CLENCHED-TEETH-BURNING-RAGE mode anymore, so maybe that part has passed, at least. LOL!
Hope this all gets better sooner rather than later! Ugh!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Day 15 Raw/Day 1 Juice Fast
Well, we started the juice fast today. So far, I feel okay - still fatigued. We watched a video on how to use a paint strainer to extract the juice and separate the fiber, and we were surprised how easy it is with the VitaMix.
We're making some strange combos for juices, but so far they're drinkable. The hardest part right now, is that we're HUNGRY. We fill up on the juice, and it lasts maybe an hour, so we try to drink more water and stuff. The hunger comes with a vengeance, though. (We've done 3 different types of juices so far, 1-2 glasses each...and it's still early afternoon!) The juice seems to get used up fast by our bodies right now, and the hunger pangs keep coming in shortly afterward.
I'm hoping this subsides after a little while? I don't know how to deal with the "hunger" feeling like this...which is why I did not want to do a water fast. I've tried doing those a few times, and never could (voluntarily) get past 36 hours - the hunger was simply too great and I ended up being nonfunctional and too ill to continue it. I've had surgeries in the past where I couldn't consume any food for a couple of days, but I was drugged up and nauseous and physically unable to keep anything down during those times, so obviously that doesn't count. ;)
Other than that, we'll just wing it for now. It will be interesting to see how I can manage this while working tomorrow, as there is a small fridge there, but not big enough to hold, say, a gallon of juices. LOL! Plus, there is at least an hour and a half commute each way, sometimes two hours (uuuuugh, don't get me started on that), so I'm assuming I'll need to take a cooler or something? I guess if there's a will, there's a way. I don't know of any juice bars around there, and I don't get long enough lunches to drive around endlessly looking for one, so...my options are pretty limited, and I'm going to have to carefully plan this a little bit in advance.
It was surprisingly easy to stay raw and work/commute (just throw some fruit into a bag, premake a salad and throw it into a container, maybe take some raw nuts to munch on for snacks, etc...no worries about keeping it cold, and no worries about enzymes breaking down as long as I consumed it that day and kept it pretty well room temp, etc.), so this is going to be a bit harder.
There again, everything else has come together nicely (free use of a Vita-Mix - thank goodness, as we have NO money to buy one and even buying a lot of produce has been a stretch on our budget), so I'm sure I'll work something out.
Something totally cool that I never really thought of happened, though: My 4-almost-5 year old son, who we can rarely get to eat many veggies and only a few select fruits (bananas and apples are about IT), got really excited when we made some juice out of strawberries and stuff, and he actually drank some. He even tasted some of the veggie juice (so far we're sweetening those with a little apple and/or carrot) and liked it, too.
Before anyone freaks out and jumps to conclusions, I am NOT suggesting that I am going to put my child on a juice fast; HOWEVER, I would be tickled if he drank some fresh juice (as opposed to sugar-laden, processed, "dead" boxed juice) each day as part of his routine.
Something else kind of neat...I thought I would be tempted by all the Easter chocolates and goodies laying around here for our son, and I really am not at ALL. I (aka the Easter Bunny) made up a pretty good basket for him for Easter and managed not to "nibble" on anything...and he received tons of goodies from other family members, and I have not touched - nor have been tempted to...I simply don't want it - any of it. It just doesn't sound good at all, for some reason.
I weighed myself this morning to see if I dropped any more weight, and I was only .2 lbs lower than yesterday. Poop. Hopefully, this juice fast will change that pretty quickly. :D
'Til next time!
We're making some strange combos for juices, but so far they're drinkable. The hardest part right now, is that we're HUNGRY. We fill up on the juice, and it lasts maybe an hour, so we try to drink more water and stuff. The hunger comes with a vengeance, though. (We've done 3 different types of juices so far, 1-2 glasses each...and it's still early afternoon!) The juice seems to get used up fast by our bodies right now, and the hunger pangs keep coming in shortly afterward.
I'm hoping this subsides after a little while? I don't know how to deal with the "hunger" feeling like this...which is why I did not want to do a water fast. I've tried doing those a few times, and never could (voluntarily) get past 36 hours - the hunger was simply too great and I ended up being nonfunctional and too ill to continue it. I've had surgeries in the past where I couldn't consume any food for a couple of days, but I was drugged up and nauseous and physically unable to keep anything down during those times, so obviously that doesn't count. ;)
Other than that, we'll just wing it for now. It will be interesting to see how I can manage this while working tomorrow, as there is a small fridge there, but not big enough to hold, say, a gallon of juices. LOL! Plus, there is at least an hour and a half commute each way, sometimes two hours (uuuuugh, don't get me started on that), so I'm assuming I'll need to take a cooler or something? I guess if there's a will, there's a way. I don't know of any juice bars around there, and I don't get long enough lunches to drive around endlessly looking for one, so...my options are pretty limited, and I'm going to have to carefully plan this a little bit in advance.
It was surprisingly easy to stay raw and work/commute (just throw some fruit into a bag, premake a salad and throw it into a container, maybe take some raw nuts to munch on for snacks, etc...no worries about keeping it cold, and no worries about enzymes breaking down as long as I consumed it that day and kept it pretty well room temp, etc.), so this is going to be a bit harder.
There again, everything else has come together nicely (free use of a Vita-Mix - thank goodness, as we have NO money to buy one and even buying a lot of produce has been a stretch on our budget), so I'm sure I'll work something out.
Something totally cool that I never really thought of happened, though: My 4-almost-5 year old son, who we can rarely get to eat many veggies and only a few select fruits (bananas and apples are about IT), got really excited when we made some juice out of strawberries and stuff, and he actually drank some. He even tasted some of the veggie juice (so far we're sweetening those with a little apple and/or carrot) and liked it, too.
Before anyone freaks out and jumps to conclusions, I am NOT suggesting that I am going to put my child on a juice fast; HOWEVER, I would be tickled if he drank some fresh juice (as opposed to sugar-laden, processed, "dead" boxed juice) each day as part of his routine.
Something else kind of neat...I thought I would be tempted by all the Easter chocolates and goodies laying around here for our son, and I really am not at ALL. I (aka the Easter Bunny) made up a pretty good basket for him for Easter and managed not to "nibble" on anything...and he received tons of goodies from other family members, and I have not touched - nor have been tempted to...I simply don't want it - any of it. It just doesn't sound good at all, for some reason.
I weighed myself this morning to see if I dropped any more weight, and I was only .2 lbs lower than yesterday. Poop. Hopefully, this juice fast will change that pretty quickly. :D
'Til next time!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Day 14 - Day Before 30 Day Juice Fast
I can't believe I've hit the two week mark. Total weight loss this past week was a disappointing 1 lb. Total so far lost is 7 lb. I have this crazy feeling that me feeling so awful the past WEEK (UGH!) had something to do with the lack of weight loss. I'm guessing this is part of the detox, and p'raps my body was working through something pretty bad (in order for me to feel so HORRIBLE for so long).
Yesterday, I felt pretty bad, but I was able to get up, go out, and do some things. Today, I feel much better. Not perfect (still needed a substantial nap), but a long ways from what I was feeling a couple of days ago. All through that time, I literally moved from my bed to our couch and back to my bed again because I was in such pain and feeling so awful. I don't know if the rest helped or hurt me, but I don't think I had a choice, as even walking was out of the question (would get dizzy and almost pass out). I am amazed at this fatigue, as I still feel it today, even though I'm starting to feel better. It's unbelievable, and NOT in a good way.
My anger has left me, and I'm not feeling particularly moody anymore. Hope that whole emotional detox stuff is over for now, because that made a lot of stuff unbearable, too. This diet is NOT for the faint of heart!
After all I went through this past week, I am VERY disappointed in what the scale is showing me. 1 lb of weight loss for all of THAT? Some days I hardly ate at all - quite simply because I felt so terrible, but the scale wouldn't budge. No cheating, or nothing. All raw. Grrrrr!
We got the Vita-Mix from my mom (borrowing it - thanks, Mom!), and we are starting the 30 day juice fast tomorrow. I am hoping beyond hope that my mood swings won't return - I'm not used to that at all, and it's incredibly draining, even physcially. Anyhow, back to the Vita-Mix...that thing looks like a darn monster and we are a bit clueless how to mess with it. Thankfully, Mom gave me the instruction booklet, so hopefully we'll figure it out. I've heard it won't juice effectively (it doesn't remove the pulp, anyhow) and you have to strain all juices through either a nut milk bag or some form of painter's cloth or something. I have no idea where we would get a nut milk bag (we live 45-60 miles away from anything beyond a Wal-Mart - we have an "herb" store, but it's surpremely tiny tiny tiny tiny!), so we're going to try and find a painter's cloth thingy from our local hardware store - probably first thing tomorrow morning, since they're closed today for Easter.
I've been super-bummed about the whole weight loss thing, since I was really hoping to have lost about 10 lbs or more by now. Maybe that's really unrealistic (I don't think so, though - hubs lost 11-12 lbs already!!), but the one lb weight loss really took the wind out of my sails, especially after the utter hell I went through this past week. I've heard of other people going through that and then suddenly losing weight again (as in, several lbs of weight)...and then feeling lots of better. That didn't happen for me. Even after long sauna sessions where I would sweat and sweat and sweat! My body is incredibly stubborn and VERY reluctant to let go of ANY fat of any form. This is true for me on ANY diet I go on, however, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I guess I thought raw food would be different, especially since I lost 6 lbs so fast in the beginning.
I know I should be thankful to have lost anything at all, so I need to just focus on my goal and quit whining. 120 lbs by my birthday, 120 lbs by my birthday, 120 lbs by my birthday....
Yesterday, I felt pretty bad, but I was able to get up, go out, and do some things. Today, I feel much better. Not perfect (still needed a substantial nap), but a long ways from what I was feeling a couple of days ago. All through that time, I literally moved from my bed to our couch and back to my bed again because I was in such pain and feeling so awful. I don't know if the rest helped or hurt me, but I don't think I had a choice, as even walking was out of the question (would get dizzy and almost pass out). I am amazed at this fatigue, as I still feel it today, even though I'm starting to feel better. It's unbelievable, and NOT in a good way.
My anger has left me, and I'm not feeling particularly moody anymore. Hope that whole emotional detox stuff is over for now, because that made a lot of stuff unbearable, too. This diet is NOT for the faint of heart!
After all I went through this past week, I am VERY disappointed in what the scale is showing me. 1 lb of weight loss for all of THAT? Some days I hardly ate at all - quite simply because I felt so terrible, but the scale wouldn't budge. No cheating, or nothing. All raw. Grrrrr!
We got the Vita-Mix from my mom (borrowing it - thanks, Mom!), and we are starting the 30 day juice fast tomorrow. I am hoping beyond hope that my mood swings won't return - I'm not used to that at all, and it's incredibly draining, even physcially. Anyhow, back to the Vita-Mix...that thing looks like a darn monster and we are a bit clueless how to mess with it. Thankfully, Mom gave me the instruction booklet, so hopefully we'll figure it out. I've heard it won't juice effectively (it doesn't remove the pulp, anyhow) and you have to strain all juices through either a nut milk bag or some form of painter's cloth or something. I have no idea where we would get a nut milk bag (we live 45-60 miles away from anything beyond a Wal-Mart - we have an "herb" store, but it's surpremely tiny tiny tiny tiny!), so we're going to try and find a painter's cloth thingy from our local hardware store - probably first thing tomorrow morning, since they're closed today for Easter.
I've been super-bummed about the whole weight loss thing, since I was really hoping to have lost about 10 lbs or more by now. Maybe that's really unrealistic (I don't think so, though - hubs lost 11-12 lbs already!!), but the one lb weight loss really took the wind out of my sails, especially after the utter hell I went through this past week. I've heard of other people going through that and then suddenly losing weight again (as in, several lbs of weight)...and then feeling lots of better. That didn't happen for me. Even after long sauna sessions where I would sweat and sweat and sweat! My body is incredibly stubborn and VERY reluctant to let go of ANY fat of any form. This is true for me on ANY diet I go on, however, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I guess I thought raw food would be different, especially since I lost 6 lbs so fast in the beginning.
I know I should be thankful to have lost anything at all, so I need to just focus on my goal and quit whining. 120 lbs by my birthday, 120 lbs by my birthday, 120 lbs by my birthday....
Friday, April 2, 2010
Day 12, and Feeling Awful!!!!
Uuuuuuggggh. That's all I have to say. Uuuuuuugh.
Each day just gets worse, and worse, and...worse. What's even WORSE (as though I haven't used that word enough), is that I am having severe emotional detox on top of this.
I am physically in PAIN. My upper and lower back hurts horribly (with those nasty, terrible knots all in it), it hurts to walk or stand or move, and every joint, muscle, bone, and even my ORGANS feel like they are filled with PAIN and soreness and knots, etc. Everything hurts.
Getting back to the emotional detox, today was the worst yet. I awoke feeling "okay" emotionally - so I thought. My husband asked me an annoying question this morning (well...more than "annoying" - it was hurtful to me to begin with, but still not enough for me to fly off the deep end), and BOOM.
I felt a surge of such rage that rarely EVER comes over me (if ever). This is not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill anger...nor the, "Oh geez, that pisses me off," type feeling. This was a massive, aggressive, boiling-red-hot THING bubbling in me that made me want to start grabbing things and breaking them. I could feel myself grinding my teeth, wanting to smash anything breakable, punch my fist through walls, etc. (I didn't, by the way - LOL!) We're talking BAD. Irrational, even.
Thankfully, I got it under control, but if I was a less "stable" person (whatever that really means), I could only imagine what could happen. (I'm not normally an emotional/moody person, despite being a woman - I never got the PMS mood swings that a lot of women get, either. If you don't believe that, hubs will even vouch for it. :D)
I attempted to diffuse some of this anger by sweating in the sauna for over an hour. It wore me out physically, but the absolute feeling of pure rage still enveloped me. I took TWO naps in a row trying to get over this feeling, and then on top of the ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY and aggressive feelings, I started feeling all weepy, and started bawling for long periods of time. I get that's depression? Anxiety? I don't know. I just feel all over the place emotionally, but the main emotion I don't like is the anger - not this kind of anger, anyhow. I feel like it's almost a dangerous kind - whew!
I want to exercise, but have ZERO energy to even go for short walks. When I try, I get so out of breath, my heart races and races, I start seeing spots and getting dizzy (blacked out a couple of times - no joke) and I actually start trembling uncontrollably. I feel so weak! My muscles, arms, legs, etc. feel like jello. The fatigue is overwhelming. I am unable to get anything done, and I can't really function or seem to think straight. Even taking a shower is soooooo exhausting. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was power walking 4+ miles at least 3-4 times a week, so this is just plain @ss weird for me. I knew would probably "detox" and maybe feel yucky for a couple of days, but this just feels ridiculous. I'm almost 2 weeks into raw, with 4-5 days in a row feeling like utter SH!T with no end in sight. Each day just gets worse and worse. I cannot function like this, and I am scared to death what a juice fast is going to bring on, if I'm feeling this bad already.
Where's all this boundless energy, clarity of thought, etc?!
This is horrible!
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
There.
Please, PLEASE tell me this gets better. :(
Okay. Breathe. Deep breaths. Just breathe. It's going to be okay...it's going to be okay..........
Each day just gets worse, and worse, and...worse. What's even WORSE (as though I haven't used that word enough), is that I am having severe emotional detox on top of this.
I am physically in PAIN. My upper and lower back hurts horribly (with those nasty, terrible knots all in it), it hurts to walk or stand or move, and every joint, muscle, bone, and even my ORGANS feel like they are filled with PAIN and soreness and knots, etc. Everything hurts.
Getting back to the emotional detox, today was the worst yet. I awoke feeling "okay" emotionally - so I thought. My husband asked me an annoying question this morning (well...more than "annoying" - it was hurtful to me to begin with, but still not enough for me to fly off the deep end), and BOOM.
I felt a surge of such rage that rarely EVER comes over me (if ever). This is not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill anger...nor the, "Oh geez, that pisses me off," type feeling. This was a massive, aggressive, boiling-red-hot THING bubbling in me that made me want to start grabbing things and breaking them. I could feel myself grinding my teeth, wanting to smash anything breakable, punch my fist through walls, etc. (I didn't, by the way - LOL!) We're talking BAD. Irrational, even.
Thankfully, I got it under control, but if I was a less "stable" person (whatever that really means), I could only imagine what could happen. (I'm not normally an emotional/moody person, despite being a woman - I never got the PMS mood swings that a lot of women get, either. If you don't believe that, hubs will even vouch for it. :D)
I attempted to diffuse some of this anger by sweating in the sauna for over an hour. It wore me out physically, but the absolute feeling of pure rage still enveloped me. I took TWO naps in a row trying to get over this feeling, and then on top of the ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY and aggressive feelings, I started feeling all weepy, and started bawling for long periods of time. I get that's depression? Anxiety? I don't know. I just feel all over the place emotionally, but the main emotion I don't like is the anger - not this kind of anger, anyhow. I feel like it's almost a dangerous kind - whew!
I want to exercise, but have ZERO energy to even go for short walks. When I try, I get so out of breath, my heart races and races, I start seeing spots and getting dizzy (blacked out a couple of times - no joke) and I actually start trembling uncontrollably. I feel so weak! My muscles, arms, legs, etc. feel like jello. The fatigue is overwhelming. I am unable to get anything done, and I can't really function or seem to think straight. Even taking a shower is soooooo exhausting. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was power walking 4+ miles at least 3-4 times a week, so this is just plain @ss weird for me. I knew would probably "detox" and maybe feel yucky for a couple of days, but this just feels ridiculous. I'm almost 2 weeks into raw, with 4-5 days in a row feeling like utter SH!T with no end in sight. Each day just gets worse and worse. I cannot function like this, and I am scared to death what a juice fast is going to bring on, if I'm feeling this bad already.
Where's all this boundless energy, clarity of thought, etc?!
This is horrible!
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
There.
Please, PLEASE tell me this gets better. :(
Okay. Breathe. Deep breaths. Just breathe. It's going to be okay...it's going to be okay..........
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